I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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