Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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