we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You can't just leave with hair like that
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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