remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
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Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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