I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
