Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw