Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.