see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
