yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.