I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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