Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
