I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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