Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
we're so committed to being not committed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Two words: nipple clamps
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