just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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