just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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