So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
