I just threw up on my dentist
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
