I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
