my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Acid is not a monday night drug
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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