We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
