he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize