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Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
