My liver just broke up with me...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
