yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
