It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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