before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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