I skipped work to stalk him.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
