Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
