I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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