I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
