Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
