you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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