turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
