Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
