Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
