no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
