Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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