Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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