i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
