I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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