So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
