I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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