So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
