the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize