Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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