you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
