This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
