just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
