i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
