Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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