Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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