so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
