Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
