trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
