I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
