Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
