Tell her she can't have a vagina
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
